Thank you, Lisa, for creating such a great blog in Todd's memory. I miss Todd. We all miss Todd, and I'm so sad his life ended the way it did. However, the Lord always blesses us as we fight life's battles. He has sent us the Comforter who has given us peace in our hearts.
It has been interesting to go through the grieving process, and we have definitely been going through the “refiner’s fire.” Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh when I think of fond memories, sometimes I worry about Todd’s siblings and Carrie as they struggle to deal with the pain, sometimes I'm angry with John that he would take Todd's life in such a senseless way, and sometimes I praise the Lord for his blessings and peace. What an emotional rollercoaster!
Given time, I will definitely forgive John for what he has done. However, John won’t really benefit from this because he doesn’t need my forgiveness. What he needs is God’s forgiveness, and I suspect that’s going to be pretty hard to come by. I must forgive for my own benefit and because God has commanded it. I have no desire to wallow in anger and self pity over what has happened which would, in the end, make me a bitter and cantankerous person. I want to let it go, and I can let it go with Heavenly Father’s help. Forgiveness is a process that can take a long time – maybe even years. Forgiveness is also a gift from God and we can’t achieve it without His help.
Thank you to the many friends and loved ones who have reached out to us and prayed for us. Your prayers have definitely helped. We are so appreciative of your support.
Love,
Carma
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Forgiveness
Tonight as I began my personal scripture study, I realized it was the first time I'd opened my scriptures since Todd died. With all the craziness that's been happening since then -- and with all the emotional exhaustion -- I simply hadn't gotten to it. But I'm glad I did tonight. It was a lot like coming home; like coming in for a safe landing after a long and painful flight.
This evening, I opened to 3rd Nephi, chapter 5 (in The Book of Mormon) because that's where my bookmark happened to be. In the preceding chapters, the Nephites had been fighting against the Gadianton Robbers, who at one point had overrun the entire land. But the Nephites, who had gathered and fortified themselves in one central location, had held out and finally conquered. How ironic that this was the point at which I found myself reading this evening! In verses 4 and 5, I read the following:
"And now it came to pass that when they had taken all the robbers prisoners, insomuch that none did escape who were not slain, they did cast their prisoners into prison, and did cause the word of God to be preached unto them; and as many as would reprent of their sins and enter into a covenant that they would murder no more were set at liberty. / But as many as there were who did not enter into a covenant, and who did still continue to have those secret murders in their hearts, yea, as many as were found breathing out threatenings against their brethren were condemned and punished according to the law."
It's not a perfect parallel with our current situation. For one thing, John's already been given the gospel. Still, a very interesting thing happened as I read those verses... I began to feel what I would describe as the first faint beginnings of forgiveness toward him.
Now, here I am sitting at my computer, and I'm still amazed at what I felt -- and still feel -- since that reading. Realistically, I have no expectation that John will ever sincerely repent of what he's done. But this scriptural passage was a reminder to me, I suppose, that the Atonement is still extended to him (though it won't be forced upon him). It also reminded me that this is hardly the first murder case in history! Our family has not been the first to grieve over such a thing; the fact that we are in shock ourselves doesn't mean that the Savior is inexperienced at easing this particular type of suffering or resolving this particular type of injustice. As we put our trust in Him, we are indeed in the hands of a Master!
To paraphrase a thought from Mark's talk at the funeral, John needs God's forgiveness, not mine -- I need to forgive him for my own sake. This first glimmer of inner peace was a welcome discovery. I feel as if I've finally spotted the Land of Canaan in my binoculars. I'm not there yet -- not even close -- but I'm grateful to have seen it.
Love,
Lisa
This evening, I opened to 3rd Nephi, chapter 5 (in The Book of Mormon) because that's where my bookmark happened to be. In the preceding chapters, the Nephites had been fighting against the Gadianton Robbers, who at one point had overrun the entire land. But the Nephites, who had gathered and fortified themselves in one central location, had held out and finally conquered. How ironic that this was the point at which I found myself reading this evening! In verses 4 and 5, I read the following:
"And now it came to pass that when they had taken all the robbers prisoners, insomuch that none did escape who were not slain, they did cast their prisoners into prison, and did cause the word of God to be preached unto them; and as many as would reprent of their sins and enter into a covenant that they would murder no more were set at liberty. / But as many as there were who did not enter into a covenant, and who did still continue to have those secret murders in their hearts, yea, as many as were found breathing out threatenings against their brethren were condemned and punished according to the law."
It's not a perfect parallel with our current situation. For one thing, John's already been given the gospel. Still, a very interesting thing happened as I read those verses... I began to feel what I would describe as the first faint beginnings of forgiveness toward him.
Now, here I am sitting at my computer, and I'm still amazed at what I felt -- and still feel -- since that reading. Realistically, I have no expectation that John will ever sincerely repent of what he's done. But this scriptural passage was a reminder to me, I suppose, that the Atonement is still extended to him (though it won't be forced upon him). It also reminded me that this is hardly the first murder case in history! Our family has not been the first to grieve over such a thing; the fact that we are in shock ourselves doesn't mean that the Savior is inexperienced at easing this particular type of suffering or resolving this particular type of injustice. As we put our trust in Him, we are indeed in the hands of a Master!
To paraphrase a thought from Mark's talk at the funeral, John needs God's forgiveness, not mine -- I need to forgive him for my own sake. This first glimmer of inner peace was a welcome discovery. I feel as if I've finally spotted the Land of Canaan in my binoculars. I'm not there yet -- not even close -- but I'm grateful to have seen it.
Love,
Lisa
Sunday, July 8, 2007
A Blog is Born
It's now been a week since Todd passed away and we're all very sad, but we're also pulling together, and I think Todd would be glad about that. We thought it would be a good idea to set up a blog in his memory, so here it is. But how do you capture a person's life in words? The answer is, you can't. But talking and writing about him helps us manage our grief.
I hope this will be a place where we can all write about our memories of Todd, his life, his service, his mind, his tastes, his humor, his friends, and everything else that came together to form that special characteristic "Todd-ness" we now miss so much. We may also decide to talk about his death, and the criminal case now underway, but I hope we won't dwell on that side of things too much. There was so much about Todd's life that was good and worth celebrating.
Todd, it was a privilege having you here with us! We're so grateful to have known you, and even more grateful for our knowledge that life persists beyond mortality, and that we can one day be with you again.
With all our love,
Lisa et al
P.S. The "official" URL for this blog is inmemoryoftodd.blogspot.com
I hope this will be a place where we can all write about our memories of Todd, his life, his service, his mind, his tastes, his humor, his friends, and everything else that came together to form that special characteristic "Todd-ness" we now miss so much. We may also decide to talk about his death, and the criminal case now underway, but I hope we won't dwell on that side of things too much. There was so much about Todd's life that was good and worth celebrating.
Todd, it was a privilege having you here with us! We're so grateful to have known you, and even more grateful for our knowledge that life persists beyond mortality, and that we can one day be with you again.
With all our love,
Lisa et al
P.S. The "official" URL for this blog is inmemoryoftodd.blogspot.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)