Forgiveness

Tonight as I began my personal scripture study, I realized it was the first time I'd opened my scriptures since Todd died. With all the craziness that's been happening since then -- and with all the emotional exhaustion -- I simply hadn't gotten to it. But I'm glad I did tonight. It was a lot like coming home; like coming in for a safe landing after a long and painful flight.

This evening, I opened to 3rd Nephi, chapter 5 (in The Book of Mormon) because that's where my bookmark happened to be. In the preceding chapters, the Nephites had been fighting against the Gadianton Robbers, who at one point had overrun the entire land. But the Nephites, who had gathered and fortified themselves in one central location, had held out and finally conquered. How ironic that this was the point at which I found myself reading this evening! In verses 4 and 5, I read the following:

"And now it came to pass that when they had taken all the robbers prisoners, insomuch that none did escape who were not slain, they did cast their prisoners into prison, and did cause the word of God to be preached unto them; and as many as would reprent of their sins and enter into a covenant that they would murder no more were set at liberty. / But as many as there were who did not enter into a covenant, and who did still continue to have those secret murders in their hearts, yea, as many as were found breathing out threatenings against their brethren were condemned and punished according to the law."

It's not a perfect parallel with our current situation. For one thing, John's already been given the gospel. Still, a very interesting thing happened as I read those verses... I began to feel what I would describe as the first faint beginnings of forgiveness toward him.

Now, here I am sitting at my computer, and I'm still amazed at what I felt -- and still feel -- since that reading. Realistically, I have no expectation that John will ever sincerely repent of what he's done. But this scriptural passage was a reminder to me, I suppose, that the Atonement is still extended to him (though it won't be forced upon him). It also reminded me that this is hardly the first murder case in history! Our family has not been the first to grieve over such a thing; the fact that we are in shock ourselves doesn't mean that the Savior is inexperienced at easing this particular type of suffering or resolving this particular type of injustice. As we put our trust in Him, we are indeed in the hands of a Master!

To paraphrase a thought from Mark's talk at the funeral, John needs God's forgiveness, not mine -- I need to forgive him for my own sake. This first glimmer of inner peace was a welcome discovery. I feel as if I've finally spotted the Land of Canaan in my binoculars. I'm not there yet -- not even close -- but I'm grateful to have seen it.

Love,
Lisa